i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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