After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
