They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
