puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
