I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
