She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
