something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
