I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
