I'm so fucking centered right now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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