I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She needs sedatives and a leash
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
