I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
