I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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