Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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