At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
