If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
