I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
