apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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