That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
