I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
