i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And then he peed in my hair
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