She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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