Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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