i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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