Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
