I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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