so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have post one night stand depression
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