As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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