My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
