I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
