matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
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I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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