Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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