we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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