My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
