Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
