Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
