..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize