I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
