youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
