I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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