Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
