Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
