So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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