the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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