I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
