the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
