He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
