i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
