mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it's like heaven, but drunker
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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