i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
