Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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