I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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