What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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