Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
