Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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