i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
