you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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