If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
